It's Thursday. It's been a long week. It's lunch time but I'm not hungry. I'm trying to collect my thoughts. I've collected a lot of other people's thoughts, and I've been sharing them, but I'm trying to make sense of something that makes no sense.
I had to put this somewhere. I don't remember what I was going to us this blog for. I haven't written online in two years. But I am aching to get words out, so I'm parking it here for now.
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Here's what I know.
Celia Barquin Arozamena was 22. She was a a senior at my alma mater, Iowa State University. She was from Spain. She was a star golfer, the 2018 ISU Female Athlete of the Year. She had used up all of her athletic eligibility and was finishing her engineering degree, likely on her on her way to an international professional golf career. She had a bright future.
They found her body in a pond at a golf course on Monday. She had been assaulted and had suffered multiple stab wounds in the upper torso, head, and neck, and died as a result.
As far as I know, this is every woman's worst fear.
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They arrested a transient man that day and charged him with first-degree murder. They set bail to 5 million cash only, believing him to be a flight risk and a danger to the community. An acquaintance of the suspect - who does not deserve to be named by name - told the police that the suspect had recently made a statement to the effect of having an urge to rape and kill a woman. Here are a couple articles if you want official accounts. https://dmreg.co/2xjoUSy, https://bit.ly/2OCtdPH
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While this story is getting a lot of attention because she was a prominent golfer and a student-athlete, it was like a punch in the gut to all of us who live here, who thought this town was safe, safer than most. Nowhere feels safe anymore.
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The news hit me like a ton of bricks. I had a visceral reaction that I was not expecting. I was lying in bed, trying to sleep, and I could still feel myself shaking, my heart racing, a tiny pit of nausea in my stomach. I tossed and turned for hours before finally falling into a restless sleep. I was a wreck the next morning. It was well into the afternoon before I felt "normal" again. My anxiety levels were off the charts. Yes, it was something that hit close to home. But it was like a sudden unraveling of all the fears I've been living with my entire life, vulnerable, raw, at the surface. I had to look at them, in the face, and acknowledge them.
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This is the fear that we have grown up with, and internalized, because society has taught us that we are responsible for our own safety, and society refuses to teach men to respect women. We tell girls to not get raped, instead of telling boys not to rape. (Yes, it can go the other way, but the vast majority of violence is male against female, and you don't get to tell me how to process my fear, not today.) There are other things I am "afraid" of, of course, we all are. We have fears and phobias and things that make us jumpy and skittish and anxious. This is a different fear than all of my other fears. This is deep and to my very core. It is instinctive. Especially at night, in the dark, I can almost feel the fear rise up in my throat. I am not afraid of the dark. I am afraid of what is waiting in the dark.
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Every time I see a man out for a run after dark, I feel resentful. Especially this week. They have no idea what it's like to be afraid. They have no idea what it's like to feel that a night-time jog or stroll around the block feels like a suicide mission.
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There are people commenting on the news articles saying things like "she shouldn't have been by herself." How dare you blame her. She was at a golf course, in broad daylight. She wasn't drinking, she wasn't "dressed inappropriately" (which is a whole other conversation, women should be able to wear whatever the hell they want). She fought back. What else could she have possibly done, aside from not living her life? What kind of life would that be, anyway, to not do anything because of fear?
I don't want to live in a world where women need constant chaperones. I don't want to live in a world where it's not safe to simply exist by myself.
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I used to go for runs by myself. In the daytime, of course, at a park, where there are other people. I would go up to the lake and walk the 3-mile lap by myself. I'll run to the store or post office at night. That's when I have time. I live alone. I'd be lying if I said I haven't questioned all of these things in the last couple days. I should probably go walk on the treadmills at the gym, even though I would rather be outside in the fresh air. Maybe I should get a roommate. Maybe I should get male roommates. Big, scary ones. I'll never live in a ground floor apartment again, not by myself. I'm glad I live on an upper level. I can pretend I'm safer up in my tower.
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This is, of course, all coinciding with the national headlines where the a Supreme Court nominee has been accused of attempted rape, and the politicians are throwing out all sorts of excuses and justifications. The woman who spoke up has been driven from her home and job due to death threats. AND YET, people snidely comment that she's doing it for attention or fame. Who the hell wants that kind of attention? Why do you think women don't come forward? They are shamed, mocked, their characters are assassinated, they are threatened, and the men get excused and the cycle continues. This is the society we live in. Women are there to be used and discarded at the whim of men. Women are expendable.
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My facebook feed is full of men who are acknowledging how horrible this all is, who recognize how terrifying it can be to be a woman, or who are just now realizing the things women do and avoid in order to be safe. They are shocked, they are empathetic, they are trying to be supportive. This is good, and makes me feel a little better. Except that those aren't the men I am worried about. It's the ones who are lurking in the shadows of the outside world, the ones who feel they are owed something, the ones who don't have that moral compass, the ones that don't view women as human.
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I don't know where we go from here. I don't even know how to get back to feeling normal again, where I was cautious but not so deeply anxious and afraid as I am right now. Even if my nerves calm down, and I can start functioning like I am used to, this will still be a fear that will follow me the rest of my life. That is hard for me to accept, but I do not see anything changing. I have lost hope in humanity time and time again, sometimes it is restored, but I know that this part will not change. So what now? I don't know. I really don't.
